Cancer…. Funny as Shit

Actually it is… seriously.

Originally, the hardest part of telling people I had cancer was waiting for them to say “Oh my God, are you Okay?”

Well, that’s not the funny part. In fact that is not really funny at all. In fact it's pretty awful to be told something like that.

While we are on the subject of things that ain't nice, something else that isn't really funny is waiting for them to try and Segway a question along the lines of “how long you got?” or ” are you doing treatment?”. I mean, how do you ask someone a question like that? You can't. You'd be thinking it but stumble to verbalize it.

I know, I Know…. so what’s funny about Cancer?

Let me explain.

The human race is programmed to excel. Or in layman’s terms, "To go forth and multiply". The thought that we are somehow immune to all sicknesses and illnesses is part of our genetic makeup. One might say that it is our “Greater Than Thou” attitude that makes us stronger and a race of animals that will succeed.

One of the hardest things for a human to do is not to be empathetic. So when I first drop the bomb on them it is like “three, two, one… ” “Oh my God ! Are you serious” followed by the look in their eyes saying “oh my god, he is bald, I wonder if he is doing chemo?”

But that’s not the funny bit.

The funny bit is later.

After it has absorbed you suddenly see them wonder about “He doesn't look like a Cancer Victim. Is he going to die? Is he sick now? What Cancer does he have? How do I ask without upsetting him?"....

...... and then then I anticipate these questions and then I just start to rant.

Now this is the funny bit.

Hilarious actually.

Careful, as if you blink you will miss it.

The funny part is all me, not you.

It is the part where I get so uncomfortable about them just finding out that “Paul Has Cancer And Is Going To Die” that I actually start to feel sorry for them that they know someone that is (providing they don’t get hit by a bus anytime soon) going to die before they do.

I mean, some of you will know, but do you know how hard it is to lose someone close to you? It sucks dude!!!

The funny bit is where I start to say things like...
“Relax, I am fine, I’ll be here for a long time to come”
or “I am cool, the cancer I got is slow, and I probably wont have to do chemo for a while yet”
or “Look, the cancer I have is the good one, you know, the one where I live forever and die old and happy”.

Now it has taken me a long time to realize that I am only doing this to appease myself. Not them. I mean, no cancer is “good” and who the f*ck wants to do chemo. It’s like, saying “it’s okay, I am fine now and it is going to be ages before I need to inject Draino and strip my body of every natural healing chemical it has and wait for my liver and kidney to fail from it”

And as far as having the cancer that makes you live forever, well, that’s just f*cked up right there. I think I just say crap like that cos I am too stubborn and in denial sometimes.

I am totally amazed at the feeling of relief in my heart when they reply, “Holy crap dude, that’s great, you had me worried for a while there. Thank god you have the cancer makes you okay”……....

0.O

O.0

o.0

Pa leeeeez

But seriously, that is the reason I stopped telling people. Unless I am in a drunken stupor and it slips out.I mean, I started to tell people and before too long it just got too hard. I even tried to pick a person that knew a certain circle of friends and let them relay the news. But even that got too hard. Because I then had to group session a group of people, and it is hard to tell people you really love news like that.

It just got to hard. Seriously, it hurt more than the hundreds of tumors I had spreading throughout my body.

So, pretty much my whole blog entry today is about me misinterpreting people and doing the whole ranting thing like some friggin 8 year old before the parents even get a chance to speak and in turn, you end up dobbing yourself in.

I assume their responses and anticipate an emotional confrontation and then retreat by saying I am fine and embellish the whole cancer thing only to make them feel at ease as I am so scared they will get emotional and then I will.

Then the realization of how dumb I sounded afterwards with the way I tried to explain how “I am fine” and the stupid way I do it.

I look back and I can see that I always do it.

And it is hilarious.

If I actually give people the time to let it sink in for a few seconds then I would be fine and they would be fine, but I retreat and don’t even let them get to that point. It’s like I have to be “in control” of their reaction and then damper it like some spot-fire before it takes hold, when in fact they might be fine about it and be generally caring and understanding.

So with the inept way of me not being able to take ones reaction to my news, how does one tell others that he has Cancer?

May I suggest the best way?

Write it in your Blog and hope that those that read it and are able to have some sort of understanding that it is not good, I am in constant pain, I hardly sleep, I get night sweats and I am in fear of not making it every single day of my life, yet it hurts me more to tell them and to feel their loss before I am even gone.

I am still here and I am a strong, fit, outgoing and lovable guy who like hugs (hint hint) so don’t write me off just yet.

Embrace my life and my love of living and use it to enrich your own.

And to those I have already told, I want to thank you for all your support and please know I would not be able to speak about it now without your love and respect……